“…dark contemplations is painful to the soul in these beginnings. Since this divine infused contemplation has many extremely good properties, and the still unpurged soul that receives it has many extreme miseries, and because two contraries cannot coexist in one subject, the soul must necessarily undergo affliction and suffering. Because of the purgation of its implications caused by this contemplation, the soul becomes a battlefield in which these two contraries combat one another.” ~ St. John of the Cross
This is my final installment in the series on: “How to Get Rid of Post-Porn Mental Imagery.” In the previous entries, I emphasized the need to surrender to Our Lord Jesus Christ and to avoid temptations in order to prevent relapse. Lastly, and most significantly, the porn abuse survivor must embrace the Cross; meaning, they must embrace suffering. For, St. John continues: “…he [Jesus] prepares individuals by purification more or less severe in accordance with the degree in which he wishes to raise them, and according to their impurity and imperfection.” And, as Our Lady of Fatima stated to the innocent shepherd children: “The sins which lead the most souls to hell are sins of the flesh.” Therefore those who have indulged in pornography, sexual promiscuity, and perversity will have to suffer much in order to be cleansed. For example, immediately after I left porn, even following my first Confession in many years, I was still haunted by the images I had seen and by those corruptions I had taken part in. At night, trying to sleep was like going through a war. I would wake up screaming with the sheets feeling like flames and my body coated in sweat and the blood from the scratch marks covering my back. Sometimes, I would curse God for putting me through this; I asked over and over again why He was punishing me. Even here, St. John offers insight: “…in order to expel all impurity, people feel so unclean and wretched that it seems God is against them and they are against God.” And, this was exactly how I felt: that I had turned to Jesus as a last desperate resort, and now – He was getting back at me for being a bad boy. For this, I didn’t love God, and I believed that He didn’t love me.
This battle would last for years: I continued to distrust and avoid any close contact with God, but I fearfully tried to obey Him – because I knew that being a little terrified of Jesus was better than going back to the truly scary hell I had known. But, in my spiritual life, I knew that this was going nowhere – as I continued to be incessantly tortured by my past and the horrendous things I had done and could not forget. The struggle had left me exhausted. I realized that this was not going to be clean, neat, or easy, but my pushing Christ away, in an attempt to avoid any real pain and suffering, was only making things worse. Then, through the Grace of God, I finally discovered the Truth: “Let Christ crucified be enough for you, and with him suffer and take your rest, and hence annihilate yourself in all inward and outward things.” Only then, did I embrace the suffering which God had deemed to send me: a means of ridding my brain of the horrendous pictures and a way for me, through the redemptive pain of physical and mental agonies, to truly share in the Cross with Jesus, and to be made anew – washed in the blood of Redemption. It still hurt, but I no longer felt alone or frightened. As, Jesus was with me always.
Joseph, God Bless you for your courage, honesty and charity, and your desire to follow the words of Saint Francis of Assisi: “Now let us REALLY love Christ Jesus”. Mary Immaculate and the holy angels smile upon you from Heaven. May you always be like Saint John the Divine who gently rested his head on the Sacred Heart of Jesus at the Last Supper and stayed with Jesus even when Crucified Love Incarnate writhed in agony and desperation for three long hours before the whole world.
Joseph, I am currently engaged in those nightly battles that you mention. I am addicted to masturbation. I call out to my Lord Jesus Christ to take away the fevers of lust and to help me stay on the path to chastity. Together with my Lord I am able to win some battles over sins of the flesh. Sometimes I fall in battle. I fell last night. The struggle is so overwhelming at times, but I crawl back to the confessional and receive the gift of hope and strength to continue on the path to Christ
Dear Anonymous, Thanks so much for this response. It is very touching.
Joseph, thanks so much for this post. It is also touching. Please don't stop blogging. Like, Anon, I admire your courage, honesty and charity.
God bless.
Dear Fellow Child of Christ,
Attend Mass daily, if possible. Make a commitment to the Rosary. Stick to one Confessor, and attend Confession weekly. Meditate on Psalm 15 in the morning and at night. As Psalm 15 makes clear, in God alone is our happiness. There is truly no happiness apart from God! Only suffering. The Ten Commandments are only designed to help us, not hurt us, after all, God is Love. When the temptations come, and they will come, stand and fight, for you have been given the Armor of God in the Holy Spirit. When the temptations come, put on more armor by crying out to the Holy Spirit and use your battlehorn of prayer, like the Horn of Gondor in Lord of the Rings to send a rush of grace to crush the rising evil. Have some phone numbers of holy people who love God who you can call at any time, and call those numbers! Have courage and Hope that God will shepherd you through this valley of darkness you face at night. God is your Shepherd and you are His alone! No one else loves you like God does, because all Love comes from God!
Jesus, God's Only Son, loves you, and died for you. When Jesus writhed in pure agony and desperation on Golgotha, Jesus thought of you, and did it for you personally. There is a war over your precious soul. Christ has redeemed your soul, but it takes time to truly embrace the grace of His Redeeming Grace. Remember, all things pass, but God remains. Nothing can separate us from God, unless we chose to leave the pasture of His sanctifying. grace.
Psalm 15 (Douay Version)
Conserva me, Domine. Christ's future victory and triumph over the world and death.
Preserve me, O Lord, for I have put trust in thee. [2] I have said to the Lord, thou art my God, for thou hast no need of my goods. [3] To the saints, who are in his land, he hath made wonderful all my desires in them. [4] Their infirmities were multiplied: afterwards they made haste. I will not gather together their meetings for blood offerings: nor will I be mindful of their names by my lips. [5] The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and of my cup: it is thou that wilt restore my inheritance to me.[6] The lines are fallen unto me in goodly places: for my inheritance is goodly to me. [7] I will bless the Lord, who hath given me understanding: moreover my reins also have corrected me even till night. [8] I set the Lord always in my sight: for he is at my right hand, that I be not moved. [9] Therefore my heart hath been glad, and my tongue hath rejoiced: moreover my flesh also shall rest in hope. [10] Because thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; nor wilt then give thy holy one to see corruption.
[11] Thou hast made known to me the ways of life, thou shalt fill me with joy with thy countenance: at thy right hand are delights even to the end.