“…the Eucharist is the sacrament of Christ’s Passion according as a man is made perfect in union with Christ Who suffered.” ~ St. Thomas Aquinas
Every gay man is a broken individual. For, in early childhood, something happened in their lives to make this so: a trauma of some sort, an abusive or neglectful parent, an early exposure to sex or pornography. At that moment, something is stolen: a piece of our innocence. Then, for the rest of our lives, we feel as if there is something missing. As we grow older, this emptiness causes an unmistakable mark of desperation; a frantic and restless desire to heal ourselves. Lacking direction, we go to the world in expectation of discovering the illusive answer. And, yet, even within an earnest desire for love – we keep losing more chunks of ourselves: to a culture that reduces you into being “gay;” to an endless line of increasingly meaningless sexual encounters; to an eventual slip into depression and hopelessness.
When I was in that very dark place, nothing that I tried ever worked – it only made it all the more sick and reckless. Then, when the Lord Jesus Christ literally found me (bloodied, discarded, and left for dead) He threw me over His shoulder and nursed my wounds. Yet, when I could at least crawl, I scurried away from Him – for no one had ever shown me such selfless kindness. I was confused, and I wondered what He wanted from me. Only, the fear of Him could control me for just so long; and, then, I longed to be with this Man who saved me. Over the next few weeks and months: I read The Bible, went to Confession, and started going back to Mass. But, at first, when it came time to receive Our Lord’s Body and Blood – I hung back; I dared not approach as I felt so ugly and unworthy. Blessedly, a kindly priest eased me into a fuller union with Christ, and the pride within me began to dissipate. At that point, I wanted Jesus – in the fullest way possible; and I knew that He wanted me. When the Body of Christ touched my tongue, I was instantaneously made intact. In a remarkable turn of God’s power, less than a year later, the former gay porn star would be an altar-sever at the Tridentine Mass (the Roman Liturgy in Latin following the 1962 Missal.) I never felt so privileged and so close to Christ: all my life I had been overcome by a sense of lacking and loneliness; in the Mass – everything was resolved.
“Homosexual persons are called to chastity…by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.” (2347)
Those seeking healing should be welcomed to the church with open arms, for their stories of redemption are inspiring examples and reminders of the kind of conviction that each follower of Our Lord should have. To those born or raised in a religious environment, such cases are a wake-up call to reflect on and to renew our faith and to practice it not out of routine, but for a genuine desire to love the Almighty. The contributions of those finding redemption in Our Lord cannot be underestimated, and as such your truly amazing story is one that commands the highest respect. May the Lord continue to bless you and your outreach activities!