(Pictured above: Station of the Cross at St. Ignatius in San Francisco.)
“The more I am exalted, Jesus, the more I want you to humble me in my heart, showing me what I have been, and what I will be if you leave me.” ~ St. Josemaria Escriva
Probably the question and comment I receive most often goes something like this: “I am doing this and that and praying and going to Mass, yet I still fall back into porn viewing and masturbation.” Since, I have been there – I can completely relate. For, it’s very disheartening when you work so diligently to remain chaste and pure and then you have these major setbacks. First of all: perhaps, choose not to look at these moments as setbacks. For instance, I remember when I had my biggest crash and burn, about 12 years ago, it came at a point in my spiritual journey when I was still rather new, somewhat confident, and rather proud that I had gone from being a man who had multiple sex partners every week to having none. In my estimation, I believed that I had done much of this: it had been the result of my sheer will-power and personal fortitude. Of course, God was there helping me – but, I had done it. Soon, I took a major tumble. I felt as if God had abandoned me. I didn’t know what I could have possibly done wrong.
The problem arose from a lack of humility. I was beginning to rely heavily upon myself; and not on God. I was putting Faith in my own abilities and strengths. I forgot where it had all come from in the first place. When that happened, I messed up. Then, I could have wallowed for weeks and months in self-hate and dramatic despondency or I could have rubbed the dirt from eyes, looked up at the Lord, and gotten back up. Well, for a while – I did sit around and self-righteously sob about what a horrible sinner I was, how I let God down, and how I was undeserving of His forgiveness and love. But, in the end, all that weeping came to nothing. Only then, did I start to pray again. And, most efficaciously, I began to most fervently practice The Stations of the Cross devotion. I was feeling the closest to Christ during those several falls He took on the long road to Calvary. After my own little misstep, looking all the time much smaller in comparison, it all seemed familiar to me. And, He felt closer. I began to wonder if that was not His purpose in it all: to draw me nearer to Him.
Then I realized that the big mistakes, like the one I just made, and the littler ones as well, were all part of the process: a purification of my mind, body, and soul; a deepening of my relationship with Christ. For, in those dark and desperate moments of sadness and failure – I found myself truly turning towards Him. In those most lonely hours, I knew that He was the only one with me; that He was the only one who could truly help me; because, despite my own belief in the powers of individual determination, I understood that even that had failed. I wasn’t being punished, I wasn’t being forsaken, and the Lord was not angry with me. But, He was inviting me to be next to Him, but, as St. Josemaria said, He was also showing me what I had been, what I had forgotten in my boastfulness, and how quickly I could return to my old ways if I tried to go it alone. Therefore, when you do turn away from Christ, and as quickly as you left Him – pivot right away back to Him. For, He is always with you, and like the Father of the prodigal son, rejoices when you come back. Run straight to Him, because the devil wants you down on the ground, beaten, and unwilling to rise. He wants you to feel ashamed and stupid, for then, the devil will whisper that the Lord has left you. Only, don’t believe a single word; as Jesus carried his Cross, he too will carry us.
“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth again” Proverbs 24:16.
Thank you, Joseph, bless you for this great message. Indeed, persistence despite setbacks, humility, prayer and faith in our Lord can strengthen and ultimately liberate anyone afflicted by addiction and sin.
Flick the jab at Satan all day long — top and bottom of the hour with a quick prayer. Say a least a decade of the rosary at noon. Stay in physical shape. If you get in a stressful situation during the work day try and find a 5:30 pm. mass. Stressful days set me off.
The devil does not play fair. It is always important to remember that he wants to kill us. The father of lies hates life, hates goodness and hates God, the Author of all Goodness. The father of lies tries to go in for the kill right when we are most vulnerable, during times of intense stress, frustration, etc. When we are emotionally drained or rattled, the father of lies then tries to swoop in and spiritually attack us as hard as he can. I have personally experienced this many times. It is at times overwhelming. The attacks often happen when I am alone. Sometimes the only thing I can do is to fall flat on the ground in the shape of a cross and just lie there and just lie on the ground and pray to Jesus and the Holy Family over and over again. This is what Saint John Paul II would do in times of intense danger. I highly recommend it if you are too weak to drive or even really think. He would fall to the ground in the shape of the Cross. I have personally seen the devil face to face. I went to one of the nation's top colleges on the East Coast, and graduated some years ago. One night after I left the library, I saw the devil face to face right above a stone bench literally next to the library. It was a fiendish face absolutely burning and glowing furnace red and below the face was the message: “Perfection is an illusion and why would we want it anyway?” This face was a real spiritual entity, as if it was floating. I said nothing to the devil, the foul creature said nothing verbally to me, and I kept walking. If you see the devil, just ignore him, and flee. Do not engage the evil one in any form of conversation. Anyway, a few weeks later, the face of the devil and the “message” was carved into the stone bench right where I had seen the devil face to face. Someone or something had literally painted and carved into stone the same exact face of the devil and the same message: “Perfection is an illusion and why would we want it anyway?” I had seen weeks earlier. A few days after that, I am walking through the library, near the video section. I am immediately drawn to a stack of videos, and my eyes immediately latch onto one film, I scan it, and on the video cover is the same exact face of the devil carved outside the library and which I had seen face to face. I always had trouble studying in this library because I felt under constant spiritual attack. Some satanic rites must have been performed in the library before which caused constant harrassment. In fact, right when I graduated, a complete stranger approached me, a middle-aged woman, and said she would break out in hives as soon as she entered the library. Little did she know what I had been through! It is just important to keep in mind that Christ has won the victory. The devil is nothing before Christ. The devil only operates with God's permission. Just stay close to the Blessed Virgin, the Holy Family, and Christ Crucified. Always have sacramentals of some kind near by and stay close to the Sacraments. Keep a holy Bible near you, and have particular passages already picked out which you can read during a spiritual attack. When you feel the internal tension rising from spiritual attack, have the humility to recognize it and take immediate action by praying, or going to a church, or going outside and go for a walk as you pray internally and thank God for the many blessings in your life and in the lives of others.
Saint Michael the Archangel, Defend me in Battle
I've the responsibility of taking the last hour at our Eucharistic Adoration Chapel. This is the Friday, 11 to 12 midnight slot; and it involves blowing out the altar of repose candles, closing the tabernacle doors, and singing the Salve Regina before the large painting of Our Lady of Guadalupe prior to leaving and setting the locking code.
Three Fridays ago, while sitting quietly in contemplative meditation during this Holy Hour, I was subtly but aggressively assaulted with persistent and highly charged sexual images.* I resisted them the best I could on my own for several minutes when a movement within my heart led me to recite Saint Michael's prayer and to “personalize” it for the benefit of my unwelcome visitors:
St. Michael the Archangel,
Defend me in battle!
Be my protection against
the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, I humbly
pray, and do Thou,
O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God,
cast into Hell Satan and all
the evil spirits who prowl
about the world
Seeking the ruin
of my soul.
Amen.
The relief was immediate and profound! As I began closing the Chapel I experienced a heart-felt “draw” to continue praying the St. Michael petition in this personal way. The prayer led the way as I drove home and prepared for bed. As I fell asleep, intellectually I knew that St. Michael had indeed come swiftly and dramatically to my aide. But it was later in the week that the intense love God had gifted my heart for this archangel become apparent. As I reflected on what had happened a deep and abiding respect St. Michael and understanding that I am to obey this Prince of the Armies of God emerged. I came to also understand I am to allow him to instruct me, to follow his example of reverence for God, and to call upon him for help the instant I become aware of demonic distractions and temptations. It is his assignment to protect and instruct me, and I am to listen to him and confidently call upon him for defense against the Evil One. What I quickly recognized had happened that night in the Chapel with the intellect, I came to understand more fully as the week progressed through a strong movement of the will.
The other day a handsome statue of St. Michael arrived at our house. It is destined one day for my desk. In the week following the incident and prayer, I was drawn to surf the Internet for an icon or statue that expressed my love for him and inner resolution to seek his guidance and protection. The statue stands fifteen inches tall and portrays a youthful Michael; similar perhaps in countenance to how he appeared to the three children at Fatima almost a century ago. It will serve to remind me of the dramatic moment three weeks ago when I was led to call out to him. As I continue to journey with the saints to Carmel, St. Michael will be my wise, vigilant, and powerful companion quietly exhorting me to reject temptation and to live fearlessly for Christ.
*These were similar to some I experienced a number of years ago on a contemplative retreat at St. Benedict's Monastery outside of Snowmass, Colorado, which I recognized correctly as coming from the Evil One. They were simply too “exotic” to be the product of my imagination and always occurred soon after opening St. Teresa's Life, which I was reading as part of my Carmelite formation. It was almost as if the demons jumped out of the pages of the book to assault and discourage me!
Thank you, Joseph, for this testimony!!!! You have NO IDEA how this has helped me.
You are my hero today!