I was sick; I was dying; I needed help. After a night of rough sex inside a San Francisco bondage club, I collapsed onto the cold pavement somewhere near the Castro District. I had nowhere to go – so I crawled home – to my parents; the prodigal son returned: stinking like a pig.
I slept for several days; waking up in the morning, stuck to the sheets that were encrusted with dried blood. Oozing from every orifice. I pushed some hand towels down my pants and limped to a surgeon. But unlike one of my childhood heroes – he couldn’t make me better, stronger, or faster; the best he could do was to patch me back together. Afterwards, I felt like a naked Frankenstein – with the all the stitches intact and visible.
Although I was sewed into one piece, I still felt strangely fragmented. Who am I? The moment I fell facedown into the gutter – I started to wonder about: everything. How the hell did I get here?
Why would the victim of abuse or violence return to the scene of the crime? In hindsight, this is the overwhelming question that still haunts my memories of returning to the Catholic Church. Despite my past experiences with Catholicism, and with priests, I still regarded something of value to be found in the Church.
For some inexplicable reason, I allowed myself to be strapped down once again. I placed my trust in the Church as a hospital; this parish looked ideal: clean and well-respected. While bound to that gurney, they didn’t subject me to any intrusive or aggressive forms of treatment; I didn’t receive shock therapy. Instead, the moral malpractice that they inflicted upon me was more subtle; certain priests, particularly the Jesuits, could teach a master-class in gaslighting.
I was gravely ill. Not because I continually tried to pretend that the anus and the vagina were interchangeable, but due to my lingering internalized homophobia and the failure to integrate homosexuality into my spirituality. In their estimation, the gay Jesus blessed and preordained my hemorrhoids, anal fissures, and prolapse. They were eunuch priests of the Phrygian goddess Cybele: persuading bystanders to join in the orgiastic festivities while they smacked their lips in the background.
When I used to visit the bathhouses, during a time of stringent allegiance to the dogmas of “safe-sex, upon entrance, the towel boys offered everyone a packet of lube and a condom; when I was released from the Catholic “hospital” in San Francisco – they handed me the spiritual equivalent of a packet of lube and a condom; the major thrust of their advice and post-operative care: look for a long-term partner; if not, play safe. I was still bleeding. They didn’t even offer a Band-Aid.
For the most part, albeit not as dramatic as my first hospitalization, I have been repeatedly subjected to Catholic malpractice. I return for help, only to be told that there is nothing wrong with me.
Occasionally, I will meet a sort of independent traveling doctor – not associated with the well-funded, high-rise, downtown hospitals; he tends to make house-calls and practices a form of near-outlawed “quackery.” Inside his old-fashioned leather physician’s bag is a crucifix, a purple stole, holy-water, chrism, and the Eucharist; and the truth. They are a modern-day Edmund Campion; or an Archbishop Vigano.
But there are many voices who insist that I return to the Catholic “hospitals.” The infrastructure, the system itself, isn’t broken or irreparably corrupt – it’s only individual doctors. But the hospitals are still open; employing the same administration, the exact same pool of doctors and nurses. They continue to cover-up their gross misconduct and negligence. They are killing people.
Those who deny the presence of widescale corruption and malpractice or downplay its seriousness, in their own circle of family, friends, and loved-ones, when someone becomes seriously ill – they all know and recommend a “good priest;” i.e. a good doctor. The rest of us, we get sent to the emergency room or the free-clinic.
Please, don’t pretend anymore that these former edifices of the Catholic Church are anything but a glorified butcher-shop.
I have left specific instructions to those closest to me, if I am dying – do not take me there; I would rather take my last breath in the sewer.
Anti-pope Bergoglio, SJ, is head of the anti-church, the Ape Church. Catholic priests and Catholic laity are scattered about. The novus ordo is disappearing among real Catholics. This will make it easier to identify them. The Ape Church is pro-sodomy and pro-abortion. It is Satanic.
You are SO right about the Church’s men being as fallible now and sinful as you and I have been, some ways worse or better. That’s concupiscense. We have to fight it out loud wherever and whenever we encounter it. Thank you for doing that…in yourself and in the people we have in the priesthood. I have to check my righteous anger where that brings me to action, short of where it would bring me to my own offending of Jesus and Joseph. The media is great at sending my anger over that line. Seems like Catholic media has group-thinked into writing articles and blogs that avoid righteous anger altogether, keeping it happy clappy as the corruption desyroys more children and more of us with the faith of children though the brains of common sense and truth. Keep loving Jesus and Saint Joseph, pray for your Dad, and stand tall and up for yhe True Faith that B16 revealed and carried on as best he could. Pray too for you advisor. Our dear saints have seen and felt what you have felt with corrupt priests and bishops and even popes. They carried on against their ways and we will too. Faith of our fathers. I say…Aint leavin’ the faith, Jesus, His Church or this Country…so deal with it.
“When Hell Was In Session” by Admiral Stocksdale. Bounce back. Back US. Read it 32 years ago instead of college homework. Good fighting evil.
This post of yours seems like a cry of desperation. At first I was deeply saddened. It seemed like you were giving up on the Church founded by our Savior. To be honest, I’m not sure if that’s not the case. Maybe you are giving up on the Church. I hope not.
I reread the post and began thinking of my own experience of the Church. I was once in the grip of a strong compulsion (maybe even addiction) to pornography and I went to confession in Rochester NY to talk with a priest about it. His response – “I look at porn myself. It’s a legitimate outlet for sexual tension and you shouldn’t be overly concerned about it.”
That was in 1993. I guess it was my first experience of “Catholic malpractice”. Thanks be to God, similar experiences have been few and far between. Still, I’ve come in contact with plenty of priests (and even whole orders of priests) who seem dreadfully confused and essentially worthless when it comes to “pastoral care” based firmly on Christ and the Gospels. So I pray for for them, and avoid them.
The Church in America is essentially a barren desert. There are a few oases, but they are very small and fragile. Sometimes, “the well runs dry” and thirsty people need to decamp and look for another oasis. I trust in God that there’s water in the desert. On the bright side, all this craziness has brought me in much closer contact with Sacred Scripture and the Catechism of the Catholic Church. It’s also brought me to learn about people like you! God bless you Joesph!
Listen, I believe every word you have written here. And I share your view of the Church in its current state. I have some advice. You KNOW what real Catholicism is, what the beliefs are, what the sacraments are. Stop looking for extra guidance from priests…because you know 90% of them are not teaching true Catholicism. And why do you need them to interpret the teachings for you, anyway? The rules vis-a-vis sex are tough for ALL Catholics (although I acknowledge homosexuals have a particularly heavy cross to bear). Think about how a working class married couple are treated by many priests after they have their, say, fifth child? What if their fifth child has Down Syndrome? And what if the mother has health problems? How many priests counsel that couple NOT to use contraception? So, hang tough. Be the light in the darkness for others who are currently where you were years ago.